A character in Christopher Hampton’s The Philanthropist once urged: ‘Don’t knock masturbation. Masturbation is the thinking man’s television.’ So now we know what you thinking men who don’t watch television are up to. And indeed we know what you are. It is to you that I address myself this week. Why don’t you watch television? You really should, you know. I have devoted this week to providing you with a starter’s course in television which I urgently recommend you to follow.

Firstly a few words of exhortation. I cannot pretend to know your reasons for not watching television, but I hope I can persuade you that they are insufficient. If you haven’t got a colour set, a monochrome will do, and if you haven’t got a monochrome, then God bless you.